Some lives are filled with struggle, some with happiness. Some lives are filled with dreams and hopes. There are times when the sunshine filters through everyday and touches your soul and there are times when you feel more alone in the world then you truly can be. The fear of being alone drives many people to do things like settle into relationships that aren’t what they were looking for, or into jobs that lead to a sense of security. Some people fill the void by going to bars and getting so drunk that when they wake up to a strange pair of limbs intertwined with theirs they just shrug off another one night stand and move on with their lives.
The way you react to situations and the way your life goes is ultimately up to you I suppose. If every curve ball that was thrown at you was treated with a smiles and a swing surely, eventually, you would hit the damn ball. Analogy after analogy could be made. If there is one thing I would like to think I am good at it is making analogies. Sometimes they can be useful for understanding, but mostly they are just annoying.
“I just got fired.” ... “That reminds me of the time I fell off the horse...”.... WHAT?
We try to link things in life together, try to make connections between everything that happens. I guess I shouldn’t really speak for the “we”... I don’t even know who the “we” is, because, certainly, not everyone is the same or feel/thinks the same. So let me state it this way, when I say “we” I say it with the hope that someone out there understands what I mean to say, what is going on in my mind. When I say “they” I mean, of course, every person who I feel does not understand me at all. When I say “you” I hope that someone out there is reading this and feel that pang I get in my chest when I read something that sit so familiarly inside of my soul.
I read and watch movies in hopes that I may better understand people. Sometimes I feel like I have everything figured out. My job is great and I get along with people great, but sometimes I feel as if I am meant to spend my life as one of solitude. Other times I feel as if I am supposed to connect with the world and find a way to change it. Some days I feel as if nothing in the world REALLY matters, that everything is created for experiences of the soul, not this one life. There are days when I want to conquer the world and there are days when I just want to sit inside my mind and let it wander within itself.
How could a mind like ours be made to just sit there pondering such silly things as “Does my hair look okay?” or “How much money will this job pay” or “Is that someone famous who I just saw?” Then again, how could it not. How can we feel such strong emotions? Is it the simple life or the crazy whirlwind life I want? Do I want to sing or do I want to make a living? Do I want to be famous or hide in the shadows? Who am I? What is my purpose?
Who came up with the word purpose? When was the concept of needing a purpose created. When was the first time a being thought “I know my purpose in life”? Do we even have a purpose? If everyone suddenly disappeared would it really matter? Does anyone else ever have these thoughts?
I have a hard time with goodbyes, especially if I am not the one initiating them. I move from city to city because my job allows for it, and because its easy to leave... easier to leave then to be left. In my version of the world, in the end, everyone that I get super close with will eventually move onto something they are closer with... something that does not include me. My biggest fear and yet my greatest pleasure is to be alone.
I don’t have a split personality, I am not some mental disorder you can just try and fit into a box. The simple fact is that I can be insanely happy and completely miserable all at the same time. I can know what I want out of my life without a doubt in my mind, yet at the same time feel the need to take time to figure out what it is I really want out of life. I can love a place I am living and and yet wish I was somewhere else. I can meet new, amazing people and still long to see the faces of friends from another time and another place. Sometimes I want nothing more then to have someone to share my every thought and feeling with, but I withdraw even from those I feel would listen the hardest.
I am a walking contradiction.
I am lost.
I am something I don’t want to put words to, because words are meaningless.
I just want someone who I don’t need to explain things to, who just understands me... but how can I expect anyone to understand me when I don’t know myself.
Of course things aren/t always as dire as they seem. I am not horribly depressed or in want of much. I think the only thing I truly want is to have a connection with myself. I would like to know what I am supposed to be doing, what I want to do. I want to start living my life, no letting it slip away.
My life (ready for a horrible analogy) is very much like my feet right now. Constantly burning, tough to move around, but not overly horrible or bad. I can still run and walk around and be fine, it’s just when I sit still that I realize how bad off things are actually becoming.
I hope to figure things out before my thoughts consume me completely. I hope I can bring the joy I feel during my everyday life to my everyday night. I am glad I still have hope. It is when we lose hope that things truly unravel and fall apart.
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