Lost

Lately I have been feeling a bit lost. It's hard for me to go out an be social and I get this anxious feeling whenever I think about going out and hanging out with people. I am so frustrated with myself and with the lack of positive messaging I am going to have in this blog that I delete every other word I write because it's too simple... or because it's what I am feeling and I hate sharing that.

I am lost. It may be because I live on the couch of a one bedroom with my two best friends, but constantly feel like I have less and less space. I hate when we have people over, which we have had much more lately, because the only place they can hang out is my "room". I am glad I am usually not home when they come over, but at the same time hate that I have no control over who is in my "room". I won't ask my roommates not to have people over and even if they do happen to read this I won't expect them to become social recluses for my comfort.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. I want to be successful enough with music and theatre and acting that I don't have to have a backup plan. I want to be able to be creative and myself all the time, not just every so often.

I don't trust a lot of my friends here. Sure everything is great at work, but I don't hang out iwth people outside of work, and yes a lot of that is my choice, but I just feel this lack of understanding. I have a colorful history with friendships. Friendships that were so amazing and wonderful and then were just suddenly cut off, so I have a hard time getting past the superficial part of friendships. I also have a hard time being the proactive one, the one that goes out and makes the effort, the one that goes and visits all my friends because I have done that in the past and those friendships failed, so in a way I have already given up on every future friendship.

I don't know what I need to do to get out of this funk, and no I am not asking for words of encouragement or even ideas of how to make things better, in fact it will probably just upset me at this point. I am not asking for anyone to try and make it better I just wanted to speak, out loud. Normally I would just have this conversation with myself, out loud, at home.... but seeing as I don't have anywhere to do this alone I won't.

Maybe it's New York? Maybe I need to move. But where? To Kimi in LA? But wouldn't that just be me hiding under her wings again like I did in High School. It kinda defeats the purpose of finding myself. Maybe I should move back home to Colorado, but Boulder has changed, I have changed. I know I wouldn't be happy there right now.

I wish someone would just come up to me and say "Here is money for a year so that you can go travel and learn." The past two weeks I have spent a lot of time on buses and trains going to visit friends outside of New York and I love it. I love not being here, not having to think about the lack of closeness in my life, about the self isolation. In September out lease in our apartment is up, do I stay or do I run?

It's hard to be positive about any progress I make with myself because I feel for every 2 steps I take forward I am taking another 10 back. Those 2 steps seem like bliss, but those 10 are enough to tear anyone apart.

I am sure I'll figure it out at some point, but for now I am lost. Lost somewhere in my mind.