I wish it was just that simple, but if anything has been made clear the last few weeks it is that not wanting your dreams to come true is much more in depth then that simple statement. The thought of getting everything I wanted scares me because I am afraid it still won't fill that void I feel inside of me. I have been working on filling that void with self love and mostly it has worked, but every so often I will find myself staring off into space wondering if the path will ever become clear to me, or if I will always build walls to obstruct the path.
I am not going back to school this year. I had a dream of singing and acting. I love expressing myself with words and music. It fills a place within me that I like to think of as that "void" or empty area. When I sing, regardless of what I am singing, I feel happy. Doing theatre is something I have been trying to tell myself was something I did in my childhood because it was an activity the majority of my friends loved. Over and over I kept telling myself that it was for others, that I was following someone else's path. Sometimes I still tell myself that.
I just finished reading a book "Making it on Broadway" by David Wienir and Jodie Langel. It is a very straight forward book of what Broadway is really like. It peels away the idea of all the glitz and glam that come with "making it" and gives you a slap in the face of reality. Doing musical theatre is an unstable career. One minute you have a job the next you don't. People tend to cast people who visually fit a part more so then talent wise. I am "too tall" for Broadway, but I don't care. The more I read in this book and the more the glamour was taken out of a Broadway career, or career in theatre in general, was taken away the more I wanted that career.
I love singing, I am good at singing. I am going to stop keeping myself from something I not only love to do, but want and need to do. True actors don't go after a career in theatre because they want the fame, but because they NEED to do theatre. They know that there is nowhere else in the world where they will ever feel as content as they do when they are on stage. Wether it is the tiny, non speaking ensemble role or the lead, it brings joy to your heart. And when that joy gets pulled out from under you because your contract is up, or the show is closing... well then you remember the love that this life brings you and you work your ass off to get there again.
Being on the stage is not an option it is a necessity. I look forward to finally working towards my dreams. It is going to be hard and I will have moments of doubt and fear. Doubt that I am good enough and fear that I will never go anywhere. But where is there to go, other then to a happy place. The happiest place I have known has been on a stage. It doesn't matter where or how much money I will make, because I love it. I will find a way to make it work.
I am going to start auditioning with Becca, starting with an audition for the tour of Spamalot. Spamalot is my all time favorite musical and the lead female role is my dream role, the lady of the lake. I may not get this role, I may not be what they are looking for, but they will remember me. For so long I have given little effort into a talent I was given because I figured if I failed it wouldn't be as big of a deal, but not going after the things you love will only hurt you in the long run.
I am ready to give my everything into theatre, singing, and my life. I hope that whoever reads this, be it my friends, family, or myself remembers that it is important to make yourself happy, to do the things you love and to share that love with others.
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