In my dream someone I admire and trust in friendship was more then just a friend. We were all cute and "in love" and affectionate. What was strange about it is that I haven't really thought about this sort of relationship in quite a while. I have been focusing so much on being myself and getting myself better physically that I sometimes completely forget that people do things like dating.
What is dating? How can you be good at it? Isn't everyone kinda horrible at dating if they haven't done it whole lot (or ever).
It's been so long since I have slept (not sex but sleeping as in dreaming and snoring) with someone that I just don't know if I would be good at it. I know that most days I wake up in the most awkward positions, sprawled out over the whole bed. This is super comfortable for me, but I am fairly certain anyone else would hate sharing the bed with me. How do you just be that comfortable around someone?
Well I am that comfortable around my friends. I can cuddle up on a couch while watching a movie, or hold hands with them, or sleep in the same bed. I don't think twice about it or believe that friends "shouldn't" do this kind of thing. It's a comfort you have with friends and a comfort most people need. So when I think about that comfort being taken to the next level I get, for lack of better word, confused. I don't know how to act or why I suddenly feel strange and awkward around someone.
To bring this full circle, thinking about said friend from earlier has confused me. Is it that I like him or is it that I would feel comfortable enough around him as a friend and respect him enough that I wouldn't mind being that affectionate with him. Would he feel awkward that I was that way? Do all guys actually think girls are in love with them because they cuddle or hold hands or hug? Is it actually possible that I have built this giant wall of ignorance towards relationships because the last few hurt too much that I want to first grow with myself before attempting things again... have I been out of the loop for so long that I won't work when I decide that I am actually ready to date or find someone.
Then again maybe I am thinking about this way too much. I guess I am just confused because I have been pushing myself away from things like that. When people tell me someone was flirting was I really that blind not to notice? Do I care that I didn't notice?
I guess I am curious about my thought process, analyzing it as if it weren't my own. The truth is I am really happy just being me right now. I am happy giving love to my friends and family. I used to believe that someday I would find my soulmate, but what if my soulmate was actually shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces and I find those pieces in all my really close friends? After all, the best and only "dates" I have ever been on were with my best friends, and the only people who have ever consistently loved me for who I am, including all my faults, have been my friends and family. Everything people search for in one other person is available to me in many people.
I have amazing family, friends, and coworkers(also under the friend category) who give the love and support I need in my life. They help build my inner strength and I would like to think I help them with theirs. Thank you all for that by the way!
I am still figuring this all out.
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